I know the time to analyze and breakdown the Mitchell report has long passed, but I still have some thoughts concerning this ground-breaking document that I would like to share. Instead of discussing those included in the report, the whole time it was being covered I was hoping that those excluded from the report would be discussed. That also brings up another point, instead of pointing out ballplayers who may have taken steroids or HGH or whatever, they should have released a report that told us the players who, without a shred of doubt, never took steroids. It probably would have taken less time and would have given a ton of guys legitimate excuses as to why their numbers were so bad or even give them the ability to make the case that they are better than they're given credit for. But I digress. There should have been more time spent on talking about guys people were surprised weren't in the report. Of course this would be bordering on slander and defamation, but fun nonetheless. Then that idea got me to thinking. What about all the non baseball players who you thought were always on steroids, but because their respective associations didn't launch a poorly planned investigation that wasted an egregious amount of time and money, the American people lost a great opportunity to unfairly throw them under the bus based on mere speculation. I mean isn't that what the American media is all about?
So without further adieu, here are my top 5 most notable Mitchell report exclusions;
1. 50 Cent- Rapper; One of the more obvious I would say. I mean come on look at the guy. He puts out a multi platinum selling album at just about the same time Barry Bonds is hitting splash hit after splash hit. Coincidence? I think not. Plus, as has been well chronicled, the man survived 9 gun shot wounds. You mean to tell me he did this without the use of HGH? I find that very hard to believe.
2. Any current or former American Gladiator- Yea, like they weren't using. Dudes are HUGE. The women too. I've never understood though, why do you have to use steroids to operate that tennis ball gun, seems like I could do that.
3. Wesley Snipes in Blade 1 and 2- Have you seen this movie!? He's a karate master who can jump off buildings and run like a cheetah. Oh and by the way, he kills friggin vampires! But I mean, if you're fighting vampires I guess I can look the other way while Brian McNamee shoots your buttocks with "B12 vitamins." Plus the fact that he's a vampire himself, but he can survive in sunlight gives you the impression that he's almost literally a vampire on steroids.
4. Hannah Montana- We needed a female in this list. The fact that she is so successful is almost reason enough at this point for me to include her. Also, if you ever hear her talk on her show (not that I have, everyday at 4:30 on channel 55 or anything...) she kind of has a man voice. Other than that, just call it a hunch.
5. Bill O'Reilly- The man has an enormous head. Its truly large, think smallish pumpkin with less capacity for judgment and a slightly larger vocabulary. Also he has been prone to fits of anger and often is seen yelling at his guests. Can you say roide-rage? Really though, I just don't like the guy and have been looking for a way to smear his name. Oh wait did I just say that out loud?
So there you have it! Im more than willing to hear more ideas supported by made up evidence and biased speculation about others who were unfairly excluded.
